Defenseless
by kriskringle
Summary: What if Mac forced Will to confront his feelings for her?
1. Chapter 1

_Author's note: This story begins in (but diverges from) Season 1, Episode 10. All characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and HBO._

* * *

Will's eyes were closed. Standard-issue hospital bed sheets were tucked up to his chin and he could hear Mackenzie rustling around the room. It was late and she'd refused to go home, insisting he needed someone to be his advocate in the hospital. He'd reminded her he wasn't comatose - he had a bleeding ulcer - but she'd been undeterred.

After Jim left they'd spent a quiet evening chatting about the show, carefully avoiding the subject of Brian's article and Will's wanting to resign. Talking about either of those subjects would only end in a screaming match.

He had to concede (if only to himself) he was glad she was there.

He opened his eyes in the dim light and saw her curled up in the vinyl chair next to his bed. She looked tired and worn out, and not very comfortable, but she sat there stoically, ready to spring into action in case he needed anything. Her shoulders looked tense, like they always did when she was worried, and he knew she'd probably have a backache in the morning. He couldn't help but feel ashamed that he'd caused her so much worry and not for the first time he wished the battle lines between them weren't quite so well-drawn.

He closed his eyes again and drifted off to sleep. He awakened a half hour later but kept his eyes closed; he'd rather not know for sure if she'd decided to leave. He'd migrated to the side of the bed closest to her chair, pressed against the bed rail, and wondered if he'd done that instinctively in his sleep. A moment later he heard her get up and come round the other side of the bed.

'Will, are you awake?' she said softly.

He didn't answer. He didn't know why he wanted her to think he was still asleep; perhaps it was only to hear what she had to say.

'I can't do this any more, Billy,' she said quietly, her voice breaking.

His body tensed but it was nearly dark so she couldn't see it. Then he felt her climb into the bed beside him. He tensed even more when he felt her arms wrap around his waist. She buried her face in his back and exhaled a soft sigh. God, it felt good to be so close to her again. Then his primitive brain kicked in, the one that sought to protect him at all costs, and he wondered what the hell this was about.

He turned to face her, his proximity to the bed rail making it difficult to maneuver without getting closer to her. He could hear her breathing in the dark.

'Mac,' he said harshly. 'What are you doing?'

'I'm breaking down walls, Billy.'

'Don't I get a say in this?'

'No.'

'Don't you think I should?'

'Obviously not.'

At least he hadn't yelled at her. Taking that as a good sign she decided to push her luck and burrow into his chest. He smelled so good, so warm, so _Will_. He could smell her hair just under his chin. It filled his nostrils, the scent of lavender and spring rain. It took every ounce of willpower he had not to bury his face in it.

'And what do you hope to accomplish?'

'Being close to you.'

'Why?'

'Don't pretend to be stupid, Will. It doesn't suit you.'

'Why, MacKenzie? Why do you want to be close to me?'

'Why do you think?'

'I think you'd better get back in that chair,' he said, a little more harshly than he intended. _  
_

He felt her wince, then pull back a little. She was silent but she didn't attempt to move. Then he heard her voice against his chest.

'No.'

'What?'

'I said _no_. I'm not getting back into that fucking chair.'

'I don't think you have a choice, Mac.'

'You're the one who doesn't have a choice, Will. I'm tired of this bullshit and I'm not moving.'

'Tired of what bullshit? And, oh yeah, you _are_ moving – even if I have to fucking call security to get you out.'

'Go ahead.'

He reached over her, searching for the call button. As he did, his fingers grazed her back and she clung to him more tightly.

'Mac, what are you doing?' he groaned.

'Aren't you tired of this, Will?'

'Tired of you digging your nails into my back? Yes.'

She dug harder, pulling him closer. She felt his breath hot against the top of her head.

'Tired of fucking around.'

'You're the one who's fucking around. Now get back into that goddamned chair or get out,' he roared, suddenly furious. She was _not_ going to do this to him.

She held firm, determined to break through.

_'No!'_ she shouted, praying the nurses wouldn't rush in to see what the fuck was going on.

She looked up at him and maybe it was just wishful thinking but in the dim light she thought she saw something besides anger in his eyes. She thought she saw love, fear, maybe even a little hope. She had to take a chance. She wasn't fucking around anymore. She was done with this bullshit. _Done. _

She brought her hands up and ran her fingers through his hair. He flinched but didn't draw back. She could feel his heart hammering against his chest and heard his breath quicken. Then he grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away, breathing heavily. He stared fiercely into her eyes. _What the fuck is she trying to prove?_

'Get. Out. _Now_.' he hissed.

She launched herself at him, grabbing his head and pressing her lips firmly against his. He didn't respond but it didn't matter. She _knew_ he loved her and she'd be damned if she was going to waste another fucking minute pretending he didn't. Pretending _she_ didn't. Her tongue parted the seam of his lips and she felt him inhale sharply, take a deep breath and then his hands were in her hair, his tongue in her mouth and he was moaning her name. 'Mac, oh God, Mac.' She tasted so good, just like he remembered. He flipped her on her back and then he was the aggressor, raining kisses down her neck as she moaned his name. 'Billy, oh God, Billy, I love you so much. So much,' she breathed.

Suddenly he was right there with her and by God, he was going to finish this. He lifted his head, stared deeply into her eyes and reached down to lift her skirt. She moaned and forced her lips against his to suck his tongue as he hooked one finger in the elastic of her panties and yanked them roughly down her legs. He forced his knee between her thighs and she frantically tugged his pajama bottoms down and brought her hands up to caress his ass. Then she pulled him down and felt him hard against her. His eyes never left her face as he reared back, then plunged into her brutally.

He rode her hard and long, short brutal strokes interspersed with longer ones, rotating his hips and flicking her clit until she thought she would literally die from pleasure. Her legs were around his ass as she urged him on, clinging to him as if her very life depended on it. In some ways it did. Then she came, screaming into his shoulder as his own orgasm barreled through him and he forced himself into her as deeply as he could. As he came the anger of the last five years dissipated and he sobbed against her shoulder, completely broken. She clung to him, kissing his eyes, nose and lips as he shuddered against her.

Then all he felt was exposed and he hated it, hated _her_ for dragging this into the sunlight. Where could he go? Where could he hide? How could he survive if she hurt him again?

'I hate you,' he breathed, sending shock waves through her system. '_I. Hate. You_.' he said again and she burst into tears. She tried to roll away from him but he pinned her down, staring into her eyes.

'You wanted this? You got it,' he said cruelly.

Then he bent down, pressed his lips against hers and forced his tongue in her mouth. His head felt like it was about to explode. All he felt was rage. Rage against her, for betraying him all those years ago, rage against himself for allowing her to hold the key to his happiness. He'd been twelve years old the day he'd sworn he would never let it happen again, never let anyone wield so much power over him they could steal his happiness with a blow or unkind word. It was the day his father had given him a black eye and hurled insults at him, swearing that Will would never amount to anything. And now here she was, this woman he loved with his whole heart, making him prove to her that he was powerless against her.

She looked into his eyes and was terrified at what she saw. Where was the love she'd seen earlier? Then his head cleared. He saw fear and anguish when he looked into her eyes.

'Oh Mac,' he said, crying. 'I'm sorry. I don't hate you. God, I could never – hate you. I love you – so much – I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.'

He collapsed on top of her and she held him, her heart breaking with every racking sob that escaped his lips.


	2. Chapter 2

Now it was her turn to feel ashamed. What fresh hell had she unleashed in him by forcing the issue? Before she'd climbed into his hospital bed she'd imagined a couple of ways this could go but him sobbing uncontrollably had not been one of them. The pain in his eyes was devastating. She held him for long moments, murmuring in his ear and stroking his back as he gradually calmed down.

The memory of his words left her cold with fear. _I hate you._ He'd retracted them moments later but the sting of them still hung in the air. She didn't know what to do so she just held him, hoping the love she felt for him was made evident in her embrace.

It felt good to cry. It had been so long since he'd done it – had he cried when he told her to get the fuck out of his life after he found out she'd cheated on him? He couldn't remember. Ever since that day it seemed he'd been completely cut off emotionally. It was a safe place to be but not exactly pleasant. Yes, it felt good to let it all out but at the same time, he couldn't stand being so vulnerable. He needed to stop this, to get back some semblance of control. This was too much.

'I think you should go,' he whispered, trying to move away from her. In answer she looped her leg around his ass and held on. Then she grabbed his head and forced him to look her in the eye.

She tried to stop her voice from quavering but she had to know. This had to stop - right here, right now. 'I'm not fucking around, McAvoy. Did you mean what you said?'

'About what?'

'Loving me.'

'If by 'love' you mean 'hate', then yes I do love you.'

As soon as it was out of his mouth he regretted it. Why did he say that? He didn't mean it – it was the furthest thing from the truth. He was all too aware that feeling vulnerable made him prone to lashing out, just to make sure the other person knew they didn't have him over a barrel. It was a visceral response he'd learned as a child, a way to maintain his pride in the face of an overbearing, violent adult. At that moment he knew had fucked up. Royally. Not only that, he was well and truly _fucked up_.

She gasped, unhooked her leg and flung herself out of the bed. She knew what he was like when he was cornered, but she hadn't expected him to be so cruel. Did he hate her that much? Sobbing, she pulled her skirt down and tried to find her purse.

'Mac, I didn't mean…'

'Yes you did. Fuck you, McAvoy. You can go to hell. And I quit.'

'Mac, no. Please.' He pulled up his pajama bottoms and tried to get out of bed but the goddamned wires tripped him up.

She located her purse, swung it over her shoulder, yanked open the door and stumbled into the hallway. Then she was gone.

'No, no, no!' he shouted, ripping the wires and tubes from his arms. He flung open the door and was stopped in his tracks by the night nurse.

'God in heaven, what is going _on _in here? People are trying to sleep!' the nurse thundered. He pushed past her and ran toward the elevators but Mac had hit the hallway at a run and was nowhere to be found.

He pressed the button once, twice, three times, all the while looking around wildly for the stairs. Then the nurse was beside him, ordering him back to bed.

'I gotta get out of here,' he said, breathing heavily. The nurse had seen the woman rush from the room, tears streaming down her face, so she could guess what this was about.

'You're being discharged tomorrow. Now go back to your room. You can figure this out in the morning.'

'I have to leave now. _Now._ Jesus Christ, if I'm going to be discharged in the morning, what does it matter?!'

She looked at him warily. She wasn't keen on having the whole floor disturbed so she said, 'I'll ask the doctor on duty. If she gives the okay you can go after she fills out the discharge paperwork.'

'Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me,' he said as the elevator doors opened and he stepped inside.

'Where are you going?'

'Downstairs,' he said, hitting the 'L' button. As the doors closed between them he realized he'd left his wallet in his room. _Shit._ If she'd already left, how would he pay for the cab to her apartment?

The elevator slowed to a stop, the doors opened and an orderly attempted to push a wheelchair inside. The wheels got caught on something outside the door so precious seconds were lost trying to maneuver it past the obstruction. _Shit. Shit. Shit. _Finally it was in and the elevator doors closed. The orderly glanced at Will in recognition but said nothing. The fact that Will looked like he'd just stepped out of the psych ward probably helped.

The elevator stopped again, this time for an elderly patient who walked _very. slowly._ into the waiting car. _Jesus Christ!_ _Why the fuck isn't this man in bed?_ Will thought. He should have taken the stairs.

Hours and several passengers later the car stopped and the doors opened into the lobby. Will had to grab the hand rails to keep from pushing past his fellow passengers, tapping his foot and mentally imploring them to hurry the fuck up. Finally they were out and Will raced towards the exit, scanning the tired faces for the one that still haunted his dreams. It was nothing short of a fucking miracle that he found her, waiting in the cold for a cab. She was shivering and he realized she must have forgotten her coat in his room.

He stole quietly behind her, close enough to grab her if she decided to bolt. Jesus, it was freezing. He stepped on a rock and realized he was barefoot. _Fuck._

'Mac,' he said quietly. She spun around, fresh tears on her face. 'I thought I told you to fuck off, McAvoy.'

'You did, and it was well-deserved, but we need to talk.' He touched her arm. 'Please.'

'No. I'm done.' Noting his thin pajamas and bare feet she said, 'Get your ass in there before you turn into a popsicle.'

A cab pulled up and a driver poked his head over to the passenger window. 'McHale?'

'Yes, thank you.' She opened the door and got in. Will slid in next to her.

'What the fuck are you doing?' she asked.

'Breaking down walls,' he said.

'Go back to your room.'

'Where to?' the driver barked.

Mac considered her options. She knew Will well enough to know that no matter where she went he was going to be right behind her. If she went inside at least she could get her coat. 'I'm sorry,' she said to the driver. 'Change of plans.'

Turning to Will, she said, 'Get out. We'll talk inside.' She reached over him to open the door but he wasn't falling for that. He knew _her_ well enough to know that as soon he was clear of the door she'd slam it shut and give the driver her address.

'You first,' he answered.

_Fuck_, she thought. He knows me too well. Sighing, she opened the other door, got out and sprinted inside into the warmth of the lobby. Will was right behind her, teeth chattering.

She headed for the elevators and pressed the call button.

'Mac,' he said, grabbing her hand. She wrenched it from his grasp and glowered at him.

'I mean it, Will. I'm done. I'm getting my coat, you're getting back in bed and then I'm leaving.'

'You can't.'

'I bloody well can.'

'We need to talk. Let me come with you.'

'No.'

'You said you wanted to break down walls, MacKenzie, so let's break 'em down - let's _do_ this.'

'Listen, you douche! You just showed me what's on the other side of those walls. I'm not gonna be your punching bag.'

She suddenly realized none of the other ten thousand people waiting for the elevators were talking. The conversation between the number two news anchor in America and the unknown crazy woman had obviously piqued their interest. _Great._ She knew what the headline in Nina Howard's column would read tomorrow.

The elevator came and they stepped inside along with the rest of their audience. She pushed the button for his floor and he stood next to her, head down. He didn't have a plan beyond making sure she didn't leave without him. He stole a glance at her tear-stained face and grabbed her hand, holding it tightly. It hung limp in his hand but at least she didn't slap him. He was afraid he wouldn't get another chance to say it so he looked at her and said, as quietly but as clearly as he could, 'I love you, Mac. You have to believe me.' His voice cracked. Of course no one else was talking so they all heard it. Those assembled waited for her reaction with bated breath. It was like watching a tennis match.

'Shut it, Billy.' The doors opened and they pushed past their fellow passengers, ignoring their stares.


	3. Chapter 3

Mac stormed past the nurse's station and into Will's room. He hobbled along behind her, cursing the pebble embedded in his left heel. She picked up her coat and shrugged it on, anxious to make it back to her apartment and the two bottles of red stowed in her 'Coping with Will' toolbox. She planned on drinking them both. Maybe she'd even stop by the store for a third. Thank God Charlie had given her tomorrow off.

She turned towards the door and saw Will, feet planted and arms outstretched. He wasn't going to let her pass.

'I can't let you go, Mac. Not like this.' He inhaled sharply at the fury and pain he saw in her eyes.

'You don't have a fucking choice, Billy. Get out of my way,' she commanded, grabbing one arm and nudging him sideways with her hip, trying to push him aside.

He planted his feet more firmly on the floor, using one arm to hold her away from his body in case she decided to take a swing at him. At that moment an image of his father came to him. John McAvoy was standing against the closed door of Will's childhood bedroom, cracking his belt menacingly, making sure Will knew what was coming. He would order Will to his feet, tell him to strip naked and whip Will's bare bottom black and blue. Afterwards Will would be left alone in his room, crying softly, not allowed out to come out until he could be quiet.

Will hesitated as he stood there but in the end he held firm. He wasn't his father. He wasn't going to physically hurt her. He simply had to make her understand.

'I need to talk to Habib,' he said quietly, shoulders squared in case she decided to head-butt him. 'I don't know what the fuck is going on but I need to find out. I don't want to hurt you anymore.'

He looked at her, his eyes filled with quiet desperation.

'What just happened – having you next to me, making love to you, that was the first time I've felt human in five years, Mac. _Five years_.'

He gazed at her intently.

'But I don't like feeling human. It scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel weak and I think it reminded me that you can hurt me.'

She nodded and felt some of her anger melt away. He was being honest, at least. He was trying.

He looked back down at his feet. 'That's what I hate...' Then he swung his eyes back up to her face and gazed at her fiercely. 'Not you - never you. I'm sorry.'

Her eyes were dark pools of green staring back at him and he was relieved to see that some of the anger was gone, and in its place, compassion.

'It's just that…' he looked away, his voice trailing off while he collected his thoughts. When he looked at her again the expression on his face was completely naked. He was literally baring his soul to her. 'If you hurt me again… I don't think I could survive,' he whispered.

She stared at him, understanding what he meant. He could only afford to put himself out there once more in this lifetime.

Could she actually promise she would never hurt him again? She knew they would both endure little hurts going forward, the cuts and scrapes that went along with their incessant bickering, but she vowed that none would ever be so deep, so gaping as to require anything as serious as a blood transfusion. In the depths of her soul she knew that if she were to be so supremely lucky as to get a second chance with him she would guard their love fiercely, never take it for granted again. She didn't know how she knew it but she was never more certain of anything in her life. There was no question as to where her future lay, if he would have her.

She laid her hand gently on his arm.

'I won't,' she promised. 'I'll never betray you again, Billy,' she said solemnly, her voice breaking. 'Not for as long as I live.'

'How can you be sure?' His eyes were sad but she saw hope as well.

'Because I've spent the last five years knowing what I lost.' Still gripping his arm, she took a step toward him. 'I want you back, Billy. I want _us_ back.' She looked at him apprehensively, her heart racing. 'Do you?'

He didn't answer. This was the question that had lain between them ever since she'd come back to ACN. This was it, then. What he said now would alter the trajectory of his life. Was he prepared to go down this road again? He didn't know. What was the alternative? He felt like he was on a precipice overlooking a wide sea full of his love for her and though he wanted nothing more than to leap in, immerse himself in the healing power of her devotion, something in the back of his brain told him that to do so would be to risk absolute annihilation. He was safe on the precipice. Miserable, but safe. Then again, could he live the rest of his life that way, seeing her every day but not going home with her at night? Watching her find someone else? No. He'd have to fire her after all.

There was a knock at the door and the nurse walked in with his discharge papers. 'You're free to go,' she told him, observing their tear-stained faces and giving them a tight smile. 'Thank you,' Will said weakly.

As the door closed behind her he remained silent, gathering his thoughts. What would his life look like if he dove in to those waters? He imagined inspired workdays, broadcasts with her in his ear, nights full of love and passion. Christ, just the thought of being able to freely express his love for her again left him weak in the knees. He wanted that. He truly did. But he was afraid, terrified she would break him.

'I can't do this,' he said hoarsely, and her heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks to David Levithan for some of the language in this chapter._

* * *

She was gutted – just as surely as if he'd taken a knife and slit her from groin to sternum. The undigested turkey sandwich she'd had for dinner very nearly landed on Will's bare feet as fresh tears fell. She took advantage of his less guarded stance to shove him aside, yank open the door and escape into the hallway.

'Mac, wait!' he shouted, going after her. Instead he came face to face with the night nurse who planted herself in front of him, arms crossed across her chest.

'If you don't keep it down I'm gonna have to call security.' The nurse peered at him closely. 'What have you done now?'

'Fuck if I know!' he barked, pushing past her and mumbling, 'Sorry' over his shoulder. He watched Mac yank open a door near the elevators and disappear. _At least I know where the stairs are now._

He was right behind her but she was faster – even in high heels. Something hard and sharp pierced the sole of his right foot. _Jesus Christ, don't they clean the floors around here?! _Between his limited mobility and her hysteria-propelled flight, they were now two floors apart.

'MacKenzie! Stop!' he shouted, heedless of the attention from other people taking the stairs. People stopped and stared as the News Night anchor hobbled past, clutching the handrail.

'Go back to your room, Will!' she yelled back.

He'd never be able to catch up to her. _I am way too old for this._

'For fuck's sake, Mac, STOP!' he bellowed, as the dozen or so people around him gaped in wonder.

She halted in her tracks, imagining tomorrow's headline: _News Night's Will McAvoy arrested for disturbing the peace._ She stood, rooted to the spot as he gingerly began creeping down the stairs to the landing on which she stood. Finally, he was there, heaving a sigh of relief and hopping up and down on either foot, brushing the soles of his feet against his pant legs.

'Would it have killed you to meet me up there?' he complained, gesturing behind him. 'At least you have shoes on!'

'Not my problem,' she said. People edged around them, staring.

Will ignored them. 'What the fuck just happened up there, Mac? What did I do?'

Now it was her turn to be incredulous.

'Did you just hit your head?' she said, jabbing her finger at him. 'You just told me you couldn't do this, so I am letting you go.' She turned to leave but he grabbed her wrist. He tried to modulate his voice but he was having a hard time keeping his exasperation in check.

'That is _not _what I said - you didn't let me finish. I did say 'I can't do this' but you took off before I said '_now_,' Mackenzie. I was going to say, 'I can't do this _now_' - meaning, right this minute, in the hospital, with a bleeding ulcer, a splitting headache and a goddamned rock in my foot. And now I've got _glass_ in the _other_ one.'

'You should have worn slippers.'

'Enough!' he barked. He had no idea why this was happening but suddenly the floodgates opened and he knew what he had to say. He loved her. Period. And the fact that he'd actually said those words out loud twice in the last hour (well, that plus the pain medication) made it exponentially easier to say them to her now. How had they come so far in under an hour? In moments he'd gone lifetimes.

'OK, let's just do this. Right here, right now,' he said, taking her hands and staring at her intently as people edged around them.

'I love you, MacKenzie Morgan McHale. I am completely, helplessly, incandescently in love with you.'

She gasped and he cupped her face in his hands. She started to say something but he held a finger to her lips, shushing her gently.

'But I need to figure out what's going on in my head so I don't screw this up. I need time. _That's_ what I was trying to say.'

'Oh,' she said stupidly. Relief flooded through her and she stepped closer, burying her face in his chest.

'I really need to get off my feet,' he sighed. He looked behind him and when the coast was clear he sat on the stair above the landing, drawing her down with him. He settled her between his thighs and wrapped his arms around her. 'I love you, Mac,' he breathed into her ear. 'I just need time to think. Talk to Habib.'

'Okay,' she said simply.

A security guard knelt down beside them. 'Everything okay here?'

'Yes, just – resting.' Will said awkwardly.

'You should go back to your room, Mr. McAvoy. We can't protect you out here.'

'Okay.' He allowed the security guard to help him up.

'Can we take the elevator this time?' Will asked tiredly. He hobbled out of the stairwell and they took the elevator back to his floor, avoiding the curious stare of the night nurse as they went back to his room. He sat on the bed and she sat in the vinyl chair he'd come to think of as hers and she commanded him to show her his feet. He lifted one up and breathed a sigh of relief when she dislodged the pebble. He lifted the other and she saw a glittering splinter of glass in the sole. She tried to brush it away but it was stuck.

'I have an idea,' she said, withdrawing a pair of tweezers from her purse. She plucked the shard of glass out, wiped it on a bit of tissue, covered the cut with the medicated ointment she had in her purse and applied a bandage.

'Always prepared,' he said gratefully. 'Thanks.'

She got up. 'You get dressed and I'll call Lonny.'

'Aw, let's just take a cab. It's late and I hate to wake him up.'

'He'll kill you if he finds out you went home without him.'

Will shrugged. 'Alright,' he said grudgingly. He was too emotionally spent to argue.

While she made the call he picked up his own cell phone.

The answering service picked up and he said, 'Hello, this is Will McAvoy. Can you please tell Dr. Habib I need to see him as soon as possible? He has my number. Thanks.'

He ended the call and she took the phone out of his hand, slipping it into his coat pocket. Then she looked him straight in the eye. She needed him to understand something.

'I'm glad you called him. We don't stand a chance if you can't find a way to short-circuit that anger.' She looked at him, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. 'You hurt me, Will. I know you didn't mean to but you did.'

'I know,' he said softly, his own eyes growing moist again. 'Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a civil war and I don't know whose side I'm supposed to be on.'

'I know.'

She helped him pack, plucking 'Get well' cards off the table and other trinkets sent by the staff and tucking them in his bag. He was tempted to take the balloons but decided against it. When they were finished, Mac looked at her watch.

'Lonny should be here in 15 minutes. You go get some rest and I'll see you in the office on Monday.' That was four days away. She adjusted her bag on her shoulder and turned to go but stopped when he pulled her into his arms.

'Please – come home with me?' he said into her hair. His voice was tentative, shy. She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard that particular quality in his voice.

'I thought you said you needed time.'

'I do, but not without you.'

'Are you sure that's what you want?' she queried, uncertain if he was asking her to _be_ with him or babysit him.

'Oh, so now you're asking me what I want?' he said as he kissed her ear. 'I actually get a say?'

She smiled and they sat down to wait for Lonny.

When they got home, Will tucked several hundred dollars into Lonny's hand and thanked him - not just for bringing them home but for his help in getting Will to the hospital. Lonny tried to decline but Will insisted, threatening to bolt the next time they were in public if he didn't comply. Resigned, Lonny thanked him and said goodbye.

Will threw a freezer-burn encrusted pizza in the oven and unearthed a bottle of wine that had languished in his pantry for the last five-and-a-half years. He'd gotten it to celebrate their two year anniversary but had never had the chance to uncork it, her confession about Brian upending his plans. It had lain forgotten for over three years, but not long after Mac arrived back at ACN he'd discovered it while looking for something else. He didn't know why he kept it. He preferred not to know.

While Will set the table, Mac decided to take a shower, as was her custom after a late night. The hot water coursing over her body washed away the tension of the day and she luxuriated in the smell of Will's soap, which she'd come to love. It had wafted into her nose every time she'd stood unnecessarily close to him over the past year, usually under the pretext of looking at copy over his shoulder. He'd changed brands in the time they'd been apart, and she liked this one better. It smelled of eucalyptus and fresh-cut cedar planks and it was heavenly.

She was able to resist searching his medicine cabinet for clues to his inner life only because she'd examined its contents three days ago when they'd found him on the floor. The rest of the bathroom was bare, save for white towels, a toothbrush, shaver and the natural bristle brush he used to comb his hair. It was all so achingly familiar it put a lump in her throat. She dried off, wrapped a towel around her body and went to ask Will if he had any lotion. Her hands and feet were as dry as the Sahara.

He stopped in his tracks when he saw her, warm and damp from her shower, hair curling in tendrils around the nape of her neck. Memories of her looking just like that - in that very spot - washed over him. Of removing her towel and having his way with her, the way she'd giggle and paw at him when he laid her on the bed. He cleared his throat to clear his head and escorted her back into the bathroom where he produced a fresh bottle of the same brand of lotion she'd used five years ago. He shrugged, embarrassed, and she left him to take his own shower.

She went to put on the clothes she'd discarded when she saw that Will had replaced them with one of her old t-shirts and a pair of sweats he'd never had the heart to throw out. Touched, she sat down on the bed and tried to keep the tears from falling.

When Will emerged, freshly showered and shaved, and dressed in a fresh pair of pajamas, she was still sitting on the bed. He took her hand and led her to the dining room where they ate crappy pizza, drank great wine and enjoyed a spectacular view of the city. Soon Mac's yawns started coming closer together so Will helped her to her feet and walked her into his bedroom.

'I assume you're sleeping with me?' he said carefully.

'Do you want me to?'

'Do you want to?

She scrunched up her face and yawned, deciding to take a brash approach. 'Are we fucking doing this or not, Billy? If we are then you're goddamned right I'm sleeping with you and if we're not well, what am I doing here?'

He nodded and that was all that was said on the subject.

He walked past her to turn on the gas fireplace. The glow illuminated her delicate features and his breath caught in his throat. She really was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in real life. He stepped toward her, gently loosened her wet hair from its ponytail and arranged it around her neck, caressing the soft skin on her throat. He had a look in his eyes she hadn't seen in years. It was playful, intense and downright sexy. He took his time, wanting to do everything right. If their earlier lovemaking had been quick, dark and explosive, he wanted this to be unhurried, full of light and love.

Her pulse raced as she stood there, waiting for him to begin this achingly familiar dance. She had always loved his seduction techniques; maybe it was because he turned her on more than any man she had ever known.

He stared into her eyes and tugged the neck of her t-shirt to the side, exposing a bit of her shoulder. She shivered when he pressed a gentle kiss upon her neck, moaning as he dotted it with feather light kisses. Then he brushed his fingers lightly on the outside of her shirt, skating across her nipples. She could feel the heat between her legs as he kissed her forehead and lightly ran his fingers up and down her bare arms.

Then she reached for him, eager to feel his skin beneath her fingers. She unbuttoned his pajama top, slipped it off his shoulders and lightly caressed his chest with her fingertips. He gently lifted her shirt and drew it over her head. The sight of her breasts left him breathless and he cupped them with both hands, thrilling at the weight of them. He rolled the nipples between his thumb and forefinger and bent down to suck them, making her gasp. Then he led her to the bed where she kicked off her sweat pants and pulled him down beside her.

They kissed for long moments, taking their time as memories of long-ago lovemaking sessions rose up and mingled with the present. It was the same, yet different – they were different people now. It was magical, surreal – Will found himself in a dreamlike state that showed him once and for all that this was where he belonged, that finally, after five long years, he was home. Tears fell from his eyes on to Mackenzie's cheeks, already streaked with her own tears.

How could such a small measure of time contain such enormity? He suddenly realized why people believed in déjà vu, why people believe they've lived past lives, because there is no way the years he'd spent on this earth could possibly encapsulate what he was feeling. He felt as if this moment had centuries behind it, generations—all of them rearranging themselves so that this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In his heart, in his bones, no matter how silly he knew it was, he felt that everything had been leading to this, all the secret arrows were pointing here, the universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and he was just now realizing it, he was just now arriving at the place he was always meant to be.

They came together, the words, 'I love you,' ricocheting off their lips, over and over again.


	5. Chapter 5

Will was afraid two back-to-back appointments with Dr. Habib wouldn't be nearly enough but it was all he could get on such short notice. As he sat there smoking a cigarette, fiddling with his phone and tapping his feet, he wondered nervously what the good doctor would make of the last few days.

He needn't have worried. The warm smile on Dr. Habib's face when the office door opened told Will he was in good hands.

'Will! I'm glad to see you up and around. You got home from the hospital the day before yesterday?'

'Yes.'

'How are you feeling?'

'Fine, fine,' Will said, nodding to Lonny as he entered Dr. Habib's office and settled himself in his favorite chair. He leaned forward, saying, 'Look – that's not what I came here to talk about – I need to talk about MacKenzie.'

Dr. Habib had his own agenda. 'Before we discuss MacKenzie, can we back up a little? I understand you ended up in the hospital because you'd taken too many of the anti-depressants I prescribed. Tell me how that happened.'

Will sighed and played with a thread that was coming unraveling on his sweater. 'I had a lousy couple of weeks and figured if one capsule was good maybe four would be better - you know, I'm a big guy. Anyway, I took them and ended up with a bleeding ulcer. Mac and Lonny found me in the bathroom, took me to the hospital and here I am, good as new.'

'You said you'd had a lousy couple of weeks. What happened?'

'Brian fucking Brenner happened.'

'MacKenzie's ex boyfriend.'

'Yeah, did you read the article?'

'I did.'

'Well, I guess I don't have to tell you why I had such a lousy couple of weeks then.'

'Presumably, asking him to write the article didn't work out quite the way you planned. How do you feel about that?

'Look, can we just skip this part? Yes, the article really got up my ass and I admit I was depressed and I took too many pills but I was just trying to feel better. I wasn't trying to _kill _myself. Anyway, that's all over with. I'm ready to move on, seize the day and all that. What I really need to talk about is – '

'Taking too many pills when one is depressed can be a sign of –'

'For fuck's sake!' Will exclaimed. 'Can we please do this later? What I really need to talk about _now_ is what happened with MacKenzie!'

Unperturbed, Dr. Habib simply looked at him. 'As you wish. What happened with MacKenzie?'

Will sat back in his chair. 'She'd been at the hospital for two days, waiting for me to wake up. When I finally did she was mad as hell – asking me why I'd done it. Why I'd taken so many pills, why I'd let the article bother me so much.' He ran his hands through his hair, remembering how she'd looked when he woke up. 'She looked so tired, so scared and worn out.'

'What did you tell her?'

'I told her that everything Brian had written was true. I really _am_ the Greater Fool – but that's not important -'

'How did she respond to that?'

'Not well but really, that's not the point -'

'What is the point?'

'That evening I fell asleep. When I woke up I felt her climbing into bed with me. Then she put her arms around me.'

'How did that make you feel?'

'Surprised, happy, angry.'

'How did you respond?'

'I asked her what the fuck she was doing and she said she was breaking down walls. Something about being tired of fucking around.'

'Fucking around with what?'

'With me, I guess – with _us _– this dance we do – never in but never out either.'

'And how did that make you feel?'

'Conflicted. Don't get me wrong - I loved being so close to her again. Jesus, it was wonderful. Despite everything – ' Will's voice trailed off. 'Well, you know how much I've missed her. But at the same time all the alarm bells were going off. I felt …threatened. Trapped. Like I was in danger.'

'Why?'

'You tell me. That's why I'm here.'

Dr. Habib nodded. 'What happened next?'

'I told her to get the fuck out of my bed or I was going to call security.'

'What did she say?'

'She flat-out refused. She said she was tired of this bullshit and asked me if I wasn't tired of it too.'

'What did you say?'

'I told her to get out but … ' Will looked at Dr. Habib. 'She wouldn't budge and then she kissed me. And I kissed her back. And then … we made love.'

'How was that?'

'Wonderful. Incredible. Being so close to her again – it just - well,' he said, clearing his throat. 'It was like coming home. All the anger just melted away.'

'Then what happened?'

'Well, for starters, I started crying like a two-year-old.' He looked down at his feet. 'And then – and this is the part I need your help with,' he said, his voice cracking. When he looked up again his eyes gleamed with unshed tears. 'I told her I hated her,' he whispered.

Dr. Habib raised his eyebrows but said nothing. He waited a beat and asked, 'Do you hate her?'

'No!' Will shook his head vehemently. 'I hated feeling out of control, vulnerable.'

'I understand. What happened then?'

'I said I was sorry - that I didn't mean it, that I loved her. But I couldn't stop crying.'

'What was her response?'

'Nothing. She just held me until I calmed down.'

'Then what?'

'She asked me if I meant what I said – about loving her.' His face was in his hands. 'And then…I just – I don't know what was going through my fucking head but - I told her if by love she meant hate, then the answer was yes, I loved her.'

'Why do you think you said that?'

'Fuck if I know – that's why I'm here! Why aren't you doing anything besides asking questions? You're the fount of knowledge!'

'I'm waiting to hear the whole story. Why do you think you said you hated her?'

Will rubbed his hands together. 'I don't know – it was instinctive – automatic. It was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I think I hated feeling so powerless against her.'

'Okay, then what happened?'

'She ran out of the room, I found her and I said ok, let's do this, let's break down these walls, but she told me to fuck off because I'd just shown her what was on the other side of those walls and she wasn't going to be my punching bag.'

Dr. Habib allowed a small smile to cross his lips.

'Go on. What did you say?'

'I told her the truth - that what just happened – making love to her – was the first time I'd felt human in five years. But I told her I hated feeling so vulnerable because it reminded me of how much she could hurt me.'

'How did she respond?'

'We talked some more and she said she wanted me back, she wanted _us_ back and she promised she would never betray me again. Then she asked if I wanted the same thing.'

'What did you tell her?'

'I told her I couldn't do this now – meaning have this discussion in the hospital - but she ran out before I got to the _now_ part. She thought I said I couldn't do this – period. Anyway, I found her again – and don't be surprised if you read all about it in TMI next week because at least 50 people saw it – anyway, I told her I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone in my life and I wanted to be with her but I needed to figure out what was going on in my fucking head. I told her I needed to talk to you.'

'How did she react?'

'She said I hurt her – you know, with the whole 'I hate you' thing.'

'Then what happened?'

'Lonny picked us up and brought us back to my apartment.

'How did she end up coming home with you?'

'She was going to go back to her place but I asked her to come home with me.'

'Why?'

'I don't know – I just wanted to be with her.'

'Then what happened?'

'We ate some pizza, had some wine that I'd saved from when we were together before –'

'Wine you'd bought for her before you split up?'

'Yeah – I got it to celebrate our two year anniversary but we broke up before – well, you know.'

'Then what happened?'

'We went to bed.'

'You have a two bedroom apartment. Where did she sleep?'

'With me.'

'How did that come about?'

'I asked her if she wanted to sleep in the guest room or with me and she said and I quote, 'Are we fucking doing this or not because if we are then you're goddamned right I'm sleeping with you and if we're not, well, what am I doing here?''

Dr. Habib smiled.

'Yeah, she's a real firecracker.'

'I presume you made love again.'

Will nodded.

'How was that?'

'Unbelievable. Epic. It was – God, I don't even know how to describe it. I just – I love her so much. I felt so connected to her. It was…beautiful.' He looked away, embarrassed.

Dr. Habib looked at him, waiting for Will to go on. 'I didn't tell her I hated her if that's what you're asking. In fact, I couldn't shut up about how much I loved her.'

'Did you cry?'

'Yes. We both did. I guess that shows how fucked up we are.'

'Oxytocin.'

'What?'

'You were both crying because oxytocin floods your bloodstream during orgasm. It induces feelings of love and bonding, togetherness and sexual fulfillment. When emotions are running high, or an orgasm is particularly intense you may feel like crying – or laughing.'

'I don't remember crying when we were together before.'

'You and MacKenzie have repressed a lot of emotions since then, Will. They had to come out. Then what happened?'

'We spent most of yesterday in bed and today I came to see you.'

'Any more tears?'

'During sex?'

'Or at any other time.'

'Off and on during sex, but it seems to have tapered off. Neither one of us cried this morning.'

'And how do you feel now?'

'Happy, scared, worried that I'm going to hurt her again. Worried that she's going to hurt me again.'

'That's why you said you hated her. You felt powerless. You also said making love to her felt like coming home. I think you were more right than you know.'

'What do you mean?'

'I think what happened reminded you of your childhood. That's why you reacted as strongly as you did. She forced the issue. Maybe it worked out in the end, but she didn't give you much choice. You were powerless. Just like you were powerless against your father when you were a child.'

'I wasn't powerless! I could have called security – I could have gotten her to leave. I didn't want to.'

'You're giving her a pass, Will. What if this happened between two other people, only it was a man getting into a woman's hospital bed? That's sexual assault.'

'Are you saying she raped me?'

'I'm saying she didn't take no for an answer. She didn't respect your wishes. Look, Will. MacKenzie was tired of waiting for you to come back to her and she tried to force a connection before you were ready.'

'But who's to say I would ever have been ready? Look, I _wanted_ to do it. I _wanted_ to be with her. I want to be with her now. I just don't want to be angry any more.'

'Let's come back to this later. You asked me why you said you hated her and I'm telling you. You said it felt instinctive, automatic. You're partially right – it felt instinctive but it wasn't - it was a conditioned response you learned in childhood. On a physiological level, what happened is what some psychologists call an "amygdala hijack.'

Will looked at him.

'The amygdala is the "fight or flight" and emotional memory part of the brain. Its job is to protect by comparing incoming data with emotional memories. And as is often the case with abused children, an amygdala hijack occurs when we respond out of measure with the actual threat because it has triggered a much more significant emotional threat. For instance, the amygdala will react similarly to the threat of being eaten by a tiger – a physical threat - and the threat of an ego attack - an emotional threat - by releasing hormones that bring on the fight, flight or freeze reaction. That's why it felt instinctive and that's why said you hated her.'

'OK,' Will said. 'I get it. The question is, how do I keep from lashing out at her again?

'You've already taken the first step. You've let her in, you've bonded with her. Now you need to teach your amygdala not to view her as a threat.'

'How do I do that?

'By talking to her. You said you never asked for details about what happened with Brian. I think you should.'

'Why would I want to do that?'

'So you can know what you're up against. For three years you've thought you knew what was going through MacKenzie's mind when she betrayed you. But you've also said you refused to read her e-mails or listen to her voice mail messages, that when she first told you about it you just shut down and told her to get out of your life. What I'm saying is that you don't really understand how it happened – you just guessed. And the only way to find out for sure whether you can trust her is to confront what happened - what really happened - and process it. Once you know the facts, your conscious mind can feed them to your subconscious and you can begin letting go of some of these visceral responses.'


	6. Chapter 6

Will headed back to his apartment. MacKenzie had gone home to pick up a few things and they were meeting back at his place in the afternoon. He wasn't sure how he felt about Habib's pronouncements but he did feel they had a ring of truth. He was anxious to start things off on the right track so he asked Habib for a joint Saturday session with MacKenzie. It was a bit unorthodox but Habib agreed.

Will heard the elevator door open to his apartment and in walked MacKenzie, burdened with suitcases, a laptop and her favorite pillow. Will helped her set them down and led her to the couch.

'Looks like you're moving in,' he said with a smile.

'Did you change your mind?' she asked tentatively, suddenly shy.

'No, but I know that what you've brought is just the first wave. You forget that I've seen your apartment. With all your clothes there's a good chance I'll end up sleeping in the bathroom.'

He bent forward, giving her a long, lingering kiss. Her lips parted and she welcomed his tongue, running her fingers through his hair and pulling him close. He gathered her into his lap and kissed her passionately as she rocked back and forth against his growing erection, kissing his neck.

'Guess you missed me, huh?' she whispered, nuzzling his ear.

'You have no idea,' he growled, scooping her shirt over her head and throwing it on the floor. She did the same to him, and a current of electricity went straight to her groin as she felt his hot skin against her breasts.

He pulled away, looking at her intently. 'Mac…we probably should have talked about this before, but are you using any kind of birth control?'

'No.'

'So you were fine with possibly getting pregnant?'

'I love you, Will. You're the only man I'd want to have a child with, so I was willing to take that risk. I figured if you were concerned about it you would have mentioned it or done something about it. But you didn't,' she said, kissing him softly. 'Which can only mean that subconsciously you wouldn't mind getting me pregnant.'

'You could be pregnant now,' he said, looking at her ardently.

'I could be,' she said, kissing him. 'This is the middle of my cycle so I'm probably ovulating right now. Do you want to get me pregnant?' she said, nibbling his earlobe.

'God, yes,' he moaned.

'Do you want to make my belly swell with your child? Is that what you want?' she murmured, biting his neck. 'Do you want everyone to know what we get up to when we're alone?'

'Yes,' he moaned, afraid he was going to come right there on the couch.

'Then do it.'

It was an invitation he couldn't resist. He tugged down her pants and she quickly helped him out of his. She settled astride him and they kissed for a few minutes longer, lazily exploring each other's mouths with their tongues. He was massaging her clit when she grew impatient and placed his erection at her opening. The sensation of her breasts against his chest drove him wild. He had to be in her. Now. She stared into his eyes and bore down, watching him gasp as he felt her walls surround him, slick and wet with desire. 'Oh, Will,' she breathed, touching her forehead against his. Then she kissed him, a sweet, delicate kiss that left him breathless. She pulled back because she wanted to watch his face as she moved, wanting to see his pleasure. He held her hips lightly as she rode him, grasping her ass with one hand and flicking her clit with the other. She was getting close and he kissed her, trying to force his tongue in her mouth but she teased him, putting her hands behind her as she supported herself on his thighs. She wanted to watch him come.

He looked down, marveling at the way their bodies fit so perfectly together. Then he looked up, staring into her eyes. The love and desire he saw there almost catapulted him over the edge. Her breathing and the look on her face told him she was close, so he pulled her down hard against him, stroking her clit as he thrust up into her. It wasn't long before she was crying out, moaning his name as she came. Then it was his turn. She could see that he was almost there. 'Look at me, Billy. Oh God, look at me. Let me see you come.' They locked eyes again and she watched as he barreled over the edge, face twisting and sobbing her name as he forced himself into her as deeply as he could. She kissed him and they held each other, gasping for breath as they came down. She climbed off his lap and held out her hand. 'Come,' she said, leading him to the bedroom. They curled up together and slept, limbs tangled in one another's.

They awakened an hour later, refreshed and hungry. They ordered Chinese and will told her about his session with Dr. Habib. When he told her he'd made an appointment for them both tomorrow, she looked at him.

'He wants to see me?'

'Both of us. Together.'

'Why?'

'He thinks the reason I said those things the other night was because I felt threatened, and the only way to convince my subconscious that you're not a threat is by talking about the past.'

'Which part of the past?'

'You and Brian,' he said, disinterestedly stirring his food with his fork.

MacKenzie swallowed hard. 'How is that going to help?'

'If I can understand what happened, how it happened, then my subconscious can learn to trust you again.' He wasn't anxious to hear the gory details about her betrayal but he trusted Dr. Habib. He looked at her questioningly. 'Will you come with me?'

She looked at him thoughtfully. She could hardly say no, though she was afraid of what might happen. What if she said the wrong thing and screwed everything up? What if the takeaway from tomorrow's session was that he couldn't trust her rather than that he could?

'Of course,' she said. She was willing to do anything to put things right between them.

'Good,' he said, relieved.

'Would you like to talk about it tonight?'

'No – I'd rather wait until we have a referee.'

She nodded, relieved. 'Will? I'm not sure if you've noticed but I occasionally suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. If I say something stupid, please try not to hold it against me.'

'You're one of the most articulate people I know.'

'Maybe when it comes to the news, but when it comes to you, how I feel about you – all bets are off. Sometimes I think there just aren't enough words in the English language to express what I feel for you.'

'You could try Sanskrit. I hear it has 96 words for love.'

She swatted him on the arm. 'I'll have to try that. What I'm trying to say is that you're my soul mate. You mean everything to me. So if I stick my foot in my mouth tomorrow, promise me you'll remember that?'

'What? Your foot in your mouth? Sure.'

She swatted him again and he looked at her seriously. 'All joking aside, I promise. And if I ... start to freak out ... just know that I want this to work and I'm trying to get there.'

'Okay.'

The next morning, Lonny drove them to Dr. Habib's. MacKenzie felt sick with apprehension; she had no idea how this was going to go or what Will's reaction might be to anything she might say.

They were a bit early and Will held MacKenzie's hand as they and Lonny waited in the lobby of the building. The doctor saw them first, observing the way Will's hand rested protectively on the small of MacKenzie's back and the way she leaned into him. She said something and he kissed the top of her head. He said something to her and she reached up to stroke his cheek. Lonny pretended not to notice. The doctor was reassured by this interaction if only because he was nervous about this session himself. He'd come to care for Will a great deal, and felt protective of him. Though he presumed MacKenzie also cared about Will it was nice to see it in the flesh. He felt more secure in the way he was planning to approach their meeting.

They heard the door open and Dr. Habib greeted them.

'Sorry I'm a bit late. My son didn't want to go to his grandmother's this morning.'

'No problem,' Will said. 'Dr. Habib, this is MacKenzie. MacKenzie, Dr. Habib. And you know Lonny.'

'Yes, hello Lonny.' Dr. Habib reached out to shake his hand, then turned to MacKenzie. 'It's nice to finally meet you,' he said.

'Thank you,' she said. 'It's nice to meet you as well.'

'Shall we go inside?'

They followed him into his office and Lonny took a seat in the waiting area, pulling out his Kindle and crossing his legs.

Will led MacKenzie into the office, showed MacKenzie to his customary seat and pulled up a chair beside her. Dr. Habib shut the door behind them.

'I can sense that both of you are anxious about this session. Understand that if it gets too uncomfortable at any time, please don't hesitate to let me know and we'll stop.'

'Okay, Doc. Let's get this over with,' Will said, reaching for MacKenzie's hand.


	7. Chapter 7

'MacKenzie, Will told me how you got back together. He also told me some of the hurtful things he said to you that night. What I'd like to discuss today is why he said those things. I believe what he said was a conditioned response he learned in childhood - a defense mechanism against feeling powerless. And as effective as it may have been as a child, it's an unsophisticated technique that hasn't always served him well as an adult.'

MacKenzie looked at Will, who looked down at his hands as Dr. Habib continued.

'I don't know how much either of you know about the subconscious, but it's responsible for ensuring our survival. It's the storehouse for our attitudes, emotions, values and beliefs as well as our habits, fears, and past experiences. Your subconscious processes incoming data or stimuli by matching it to a kind of emotional database of past experiences. That's how it lets you know how to respond to the world around you. MacKenzie, in Will's emotional database you've been flagged as a threat.'

MacKenzie inhaled sharply and Will squeezed her hand.

'In order for you and Will to move forward in your relationship, I think some of the existing data in his - for lack of a better term - database - will need to be - shall we say, overwritten. The fact that you've recently bonded will go a long way towards accomplishing that but he is at risk of lashing out until he addresses the underlying issues. Towards that end I think he needs to fully understand why you had a sexual relationship with your ex-boyfriend at the same time you were in what Will perceived to be a serious, monogamous relationship with him. My hope is that when Will can understand what happened and why, his subconscious can remove you as a trigger for a disproportionate emotional response. Are you both comfortable with this approach? MacKenzie?'

'I think so,' she said, feeling more nauseous by the second.

'Will?'

MacKenzie thought Will looked as ill as she felt but he nodded. 'Yes,' he said quietly.

'OK, let's begin. Will, what would it take for you to believe that MacKenzie would never betray you again? Take your time.'

Will took a moment to contemplate his answer. Then he exhaled. 'I guess … I'd have to know how it happened in the first place, and be convinced that whatever circumstances led up to it weren't going to happen again.'

'Very well. Is there something in particular you'd like to ask her?'

Will looked at MacKenzie, unsure whether to ask the question uppermost in his mind. She squeezed his hand, giving him the confidence he needed.

'Mac, I need you to tell me how it happened. How you came to cheat on me.'

'Okay,' she said, taking a deep breath. 'Do you remember when you and I first met?'

'Yeah, you replaced that EP who went on a pilgrimage to India. I haven't seen him since.'

'Right. I was attracted to you, and we hit it off right away but I felt a little intimidated by you. And truthfully,' she said, squeezing his hand tightly, 'I was still hung up on Brian.'

She addressed Dr. Habib.

'Brian and I were together for five years. We broke up a few months before I met Will. Brian dumped me because he thought I wasn't passionate enough about the right things. He told me doing television news was selling out and that if I wanted to be a serious journalist I should stick with print. He thought I wasn't being smart enough about my career - actually, though he never said it outright, I think he thought I wasn't smart enough, period.'

'MacKenzie, you're one of the smartest people I know. He's an asshole.'

'I know that now, Will, but at the time I admired him so much. He was so confident – in a way that I never was. And when he broke up with me I was devastated – I really was. I felt so badly about myself – deep down I figured that if he didn't love me then maybe I just wasn't lovable. After all, who better to make that call than someone who really knew me, warts and all? I tried to pretend it didn't matter and throw myself into my work and that's when I met you.'

She smiled at the memory of the first time she saw Will. 'God, Will, you blew me away. You were so smart, so attractive, so funny. And intense. I remember telling Kathleen – Kathleen is my friend from back home,' she said to Dr. Habib. 'That your eyes sparkled with intelligence. The air just crackled around you. I never knew what you were going to say next. We went toe to toe on everything but I loved it. And you seemed to like me right away but after everything I went through with Brian, I couldn't understand it. How could someone like you be attracted to someone like me? I honestly didn't believe your feelings were genuine for the longest time. I just couldn't fathom it.'

Will hated hearing Mac put herself down like that but he wasn't here to judge – he was there to listen.

'How long did it take for you to believe Will?' asked Dr. Habib.

'What?'

'When did you finally start to trust Will's feelings for you?'

'A little over four months in.'

'Did you think he was lying to you about how he felt?'

'No…. I thought he just didn't know me.' Will bristled at that. 'I figured that once he did he'd go the way of Brian and the Dodo bird.' She addressed Will. 'You asked me out for dinner and I had a great time, but I was still so wrapped up in Brian that I didn't really let you in, you know? You asked me out a couple more times and I made sure Brian knew I was seeing you because I was hoping it would make him jealous. And it did.'

Will winced, then said harshly, 'When did it happen? How long had we been dating when you cheated on me the first time?' His eyes were bright and she thought he looked like he was about to cry.

She sighed. 'A few weeks. You and I hadn't discussed being exclusive. We'd slept together a few times but it was early days. Brian called and said he missed me, that he was sorry, and that he wanted to see me. It sounds so fucking stupid looking back on it but all I could think was, 'He wants me back. I don't have to feel like a reject anymore.' You were doing a story in San Francisco so I went over to talk to him. I was looking for an ego boost – some validation. I didn't intend to sleep with him, it just sort of happened.'

'Just sort of happened. Right.' The hurt in Will's eyes made her cringe.

'Will,' she said gently. 'I can't explain it – it doesn't sound rational, but all my self-worth was tied up in him liking me. It was as if I couldn't like myself unless he liked me. I just wanted to feel worthwhile.'

'And I didn't do that for you.'

'Will! I was so fucked up. Honestly, you – the real you - didn't even enter into it – I'm ashamed to say it but at that point you were just a way to make Brian jealous. You and I were dating but I was totally fixated on Brian and getting him to like me again.'

'So you slept with Brian the first time when we'd been dating for a few weeks. What were the logistics? Did you just crawl out of my bed and into his after I went to sleep?'

'No, it happened when I slept at my apartment. The second and third time were when you and I had that huge fight – we'd been dating for about four months and you told me you felt like you were the only one invested in our relationship.'

'I remember.'

She put her hand on his thigh. 'Will, you were right - at that point, I wasn't invested in our relationship the same way you were,' she said haltingly. Tears sprung to her eyes but she forced herself to continue. 'You and I were seeing each other sporadically but we weren't together every night and I was still hoping Brian would take me back. You liked me so much I thought you couldn't possibly have the first clue about who I was. You treated me as if I were supremely competent when the truth was I was out of my depth every fucking day.'

'You think I didn't know that? I knew you were insecure but you were so damned smart, such a good EP and I was trying to make you see yourself how I saw you. And it wasn't just me – ask anyone who watched you in the control room. You were a star, Mac – I just couldn't understand why you couldn't see it.'

MacKenzie smiled and squeezed his thigh, touched by his assessment of her. Then she went on, saying, 'You and I had that fight, I took the next day off and it was a long weekend so we didn't see each other for four days. Remember?'

Will nodded.

'I hadn't seen Brian in a few months but he happened to call and ask if he could come over. I let him and he stayed the night. Two nights later you and I still weren't talking so when he called again I let him stay the night again.'

'Then what happened?' Dr. Habib said.

MacKenzie looked at Will, who looked like he was about to be sick.

'Will and I made up and I didn't see Brian again until Will brought him in to write that article.'

'How many times did you have sex with Brian while you were dating Will, MacKenzie?' Dr. Habib asked.

'Three.'

Will exploded. 'You expect me to believe you only slept with him three times? You told me you were with him for four months!'

'Yes, three times in four months! Once in the first month, twice in the fourth.'

'You never told me that!'

'Will, you never gave me the chance! As soon as I told you about it you ordered me to get the fuck out of your life. You didn't return my calls, you didn't read my e-mails and the next time I saw you was three years later when Charlie brought me back to ACN.'

'MacKenzie,' said Dr. Habib. 'Why did you finally break it off with Brian?'

'Because I fell in love with Will,' she said, voice breaking. She turned to Will, who was breathing heavily and trying to master his emotions. 'I was with Brian when you and I were fighting because he was familiar – he was like a story I knew inside and out. I wasn't happy – it was like a bad habit - joyless and dreary. And when I was with him I couldn't stop thinking about you. That's when I decided to make the first move so after he left I called you. When you picked up the phone I was so happy to hear your voice. You invited me round for dinner, I apologized and we picked up where we left off. It was around then that I think I started to actually see you for the very first time. Not just as someone I could use against Brian but as the man you are. I remember exactly when it happened – it was the day after we made up. Remember the Hurricane Katrina broadcast? Everything was so last minute you didn't have a script, there was nothing on the teleprompter – you had to do the whole show off the top of your head. And you did it. Flawlessly. You were a revelation - I'd never seen anything like it. And what you did for those survivors – ' Turning to Dr. Habib, she said, 'Did you know Will gave $100,000 of his own money to the Red Cross?' She turned back to Will. 'I gave my heart to you that day and I never got it back.'

MacKenzie stopped to catch her breath and forced herself to look at Will. His eyes were closed but he was gripping her hand tightly.

Dr. Habib addressed Will. 'Will, how are you feeling about this?'

MacKenzie's heart hammered in her chest as she waited for Will's response. She had no idea what he was going to say and she was terrified he was going to tell her it was over.

Will couldn't look at MacKenzie. 'I'd like to take a break.'

MacKenzie felt like she'd been punched in the stomach.


	8. Chapter 8

Dr. Habib could see the pain etched in Will's face. He wondered if this session – or perhaps his approach - had been a mistake. He himself had been moved by MacKenzie's confession; for him, it hit all the right marks. But he could see Will was struggling.

MacKenzie looked as if she were about to burst into tears.

Dr. Habib looked at her with compassion.

'MacKenzie,' he said gently, 'Can you please give Will and I a moment alone?'

'Of course,' she said, unable to stop the tears from falling. 'I'll be in the waiting room. Come get me when you're ready?'

'I will.'

She forced herself to release Will's hand, giving it one last gentle squeeze. He didn't squeeze back.

_What if this is the last time I get to touch him? _

When she got to the door she turned around.

'Will, I…' she said, before stopping herself. What could she possibly say to make things right when she didn't know what he was thinking? Will didn't acknowledge her. He remained where he was, staring at his hands. Gulping, she nodded at Dr. Habib and went out, letting the door close behind her before dissolving into gasping, heaving sobs. Lonny looked at her in alarm, got up and closed the distance between them in one long step. He put his arms around her and walked her over to the couch.

'Are you alright?' he asked gently. She nodded, smiling weakly. 'It's just – Will – I think he hates me. And I don't know what to do,' she said as a sob escaped her and she buried her face in her hands.

Lonny looped a comforting arm around her shoulder.

'Look, I don't know what just happened,' he said gently, 'but what I do know is that man loves you. More than anything in this world. He'll come around,' he promised, though secretly he wasn't so sure. In the short time Lonny had known Will he'd observed him to be in turns generous and caring, rigid and unyielding. And he'd heard enough of Will's outbursts to know the man knew just how to turn the knife.

Dr. Habib and Will could hear MacKenzie sobbing outside the door. Will wanted to go to her, to tell her everything would be all right but he couldn't. He didn't know if that was true.

Dr. Habib reached out to put a hand on Will's shoulder.

'Will?'

Will didn't look up.

'She used me,' he said flatly.

'What?'

'She _used_ me,' he said, blinking back tears. 'For four months she used me. She didn't love me.'

'Until she was four months into the relationship, and then she did. Will, you already knew that.'

'Knowing it isn't the same as believing it. I never realized she was only with me to get back at that asshole. What a fool I was. You know how I felt about her during those same four months? I was head over heels in love with her. I was trying not to push too hard, trying not to scare her away, but I wanted to marry her. I was a fool.'

'Will, listen to me. You were not a fool. You were two people at two different places within the same relationship. You were madly in love with MacKenzie from the beginning but because of her insecurities it took four months for her to reach the same place. And when she did, you were equals.'

'She never loved me...all those months. She was just using me.'

'Will. Did you hear anything I just said? She didn't love you in the beginning but then she did and she still does - just as much as you love her. It took her a bit longer to get there is all. Listen,' he said, shifting gears. 'Are you familiar with the terms 'framing' or 'reframing'?'

'You mean that touchy-feely horseshit about looking at things in different ways?'

'Yes. But it's not just horseshit. Simply put, frames are the stories we tell ourselves in order to interpret the world around us. They happen at both the subconscious and conscious levels. Frames work by providing meaning through simplification, by filtering perception. They're cognitive shortcuts we use to help make sense of complex information. But when we create these shortcuts we give meaning to some aspects of what we observe while discounting others – even though the aspects we discount may be just as valid as the ones we give weight to. You've been selectively focusing on the first four months of your relationship with MacKenzie and discounting all the time that has elapsed since then. But you can choose to do the opposite. Reframe your relationship with her. Pretend it didn't start until four months after you met because that's when you both arrived at the very same place - madly in love with each other.' He smiled at Will, pressing his shoulder.

Will was silent as he mulled over what Dr. Habib had just said. Could it really be as simple as that? How was that any different than what he'd said to MacKenzie the first day she came back to ACN? That nowadays people choose the facts they want?

He looked up at Dr. Habib, all the anxiety and fear he was feeling evident in his face.

'You're asking me to change the facts of what happened between us.'

'Will, that's not what I'm saying. The definition of a fact is something that is indisputably true. Calling something a fact doesn't make it one. In this case, there are two indisputable facts. She cheated on you. And then she fell in love with you. Those two things aren't up for debate. You can choose to focus on one or the other.'

Will was silent for a moment. It made sense – if he could believe MacKenzie.

'Do you think I can trust her?' he said tentatively. Jesus, he was really laying it all out there. He hoped he wouldn't regret it later.

Now it was Dr. Habib's turn to think. He literally held the emotional lives of two people in his hands. But from everything he knew about MacKenzie, both what he himself had observed and what Will had told him about her, he felt comfortable enough to pass judgment.

'Ethically it's not my place to say but off the record?' He looked at Will steadily. 'I do.'

Will exhaled sharply and inexplicably felt the pieces of his broken heart begin knitting themselves back together. He trusted Habib. And if he dug deeply enough, he trusted MacKenzie.

'Okay.'

'I'll ask MacKenzie to come back in,' Dr. Habib said as he stood up.

Will put out his hand to stop him. 'No, I've got this,' he said, getting up and walking to the door.

MacKenzie was curled up on the couch, hugging her knees, her face buried in her hands. She was still crying, though her sobs were tapering off. Lonnie had one arm draped protectively around her shoulder. When Will opened the door, Lonny glared at him, and an unspoken message passed between them: _Look what you've done_. Will nodded. MacKenzie didn't hear the door open so she almost jumped out of her skin when she felt Will's hand on her shoulder.

'Mac,' he said gently, sitting down beside her and pulling her close. 'Shhhh, don't cry, it's okay.'

When Will enveloped her in his arms her sobs redoubled.

'Will?' she choked out. 'Are we?'

'Are we what?' he said, stroking her hair.

'Okay. Are we okay?'

He kissed her forehead. 'Yes, we're okay.'

'Thank God.'

Will smiled, wiping her tears. 'I'm sorry I scared you. Come back in with me?'

She nodded, getting up and addressing Lonny. 'Thank you.'

'No problem. I'll see you when you come out.'

Dr. Habib handed MacKenzie a box of tissues and gave her a moment to compose herself. Instead of sitting in the chair he had vacated, Will led MacKenzie to the couch, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. She buried her face in his chest, calming as she breathed in his heavenly scent. After a few shaky moments she pulled back to face Dr. Habib, ready to begin.

'MacKenzie, I know this has been an emotional session. Are you all right to continue?'

'Yes,' she said weakly, giving Will a smile and squeezing his hand. This time he squeezed it back.

'Will and I were just talking about the concept of reframing. Are you familiar with that term?'

'Yes. It means making a conscious decision to look at something in a different way.'

'Right. What I was saying to Will is that he needs to reframe your relationship. I suggested that he – for all intents and purposes – pretend your relationship began when you fell in love with him - not when you first met and started dating – because that's when you both became fully invested in it. Does that make sense?'

MacKenzie nodded. 'Can you do that, Will?'

'I think so. It's a matter of choosing to be happy, right?'

'Choosing to focus on the things that can make you happy, yes,' Dr. Habib answered.

'MacKenzie, when you were talking about your past, your relationship with your ex-boyfriend, and to some degree, your relationship with Will, a couple of things struck me. Now, you're not my client, but do you mind if we touch on some of those things? I think it might be beneficial in light of your relationship with Will.'

'Okay,' she said uneasily, unsure of where this was going.

'Do you want me to leave?' Will asked.

'Not yet. I think this is important for you to hear, too.'

'MacKenzie, I'm concerned because historically your sense of self-worth has been greatly influenced by the opinions – or what you perceived to be the opinions – of the men in your life. When your ex-boyfriend rejected you, you saw yourself as someone unworthy, who deserved to be rejected. When Will was angry with you, and wanted to punish you, you saw yourself as someone who deserved to be punished. Now that Will has admitted he's in love with you, how do you see yourself? And what happens when Will gets angry with you again? Will you be tempted to seek out validation elsewhere?'

MacKenzie swallowed and stared at Dr. Habib, obviously taken aback. She knew she'd let herself be swayed by Brian's opinion of her, and Will's, but was she still doing it?

'Are you asking me if there are any circumstances under which I would cheat on Will again?'

'Indirectly – I'm asking you to think about what will happen when Will gets angry with you again and decides to punish you. Will your sense of self-worth collapse?'

'_When_ I get angry and try to punish her?! What the fuck are you talking about? That's all over with!' Will said heatedly.

'Will, old habits die hard. Eventually, if you practice some of the mindfulness techniques I'm going to teach you in our next session, the urge to punish her will fade away but in the short-term you might find yourself falling into old habits. And when you do, MacKenzie needs to be prepared to take care of herself. She can only do that if she acknowledges that her subconscious mind looks to external sources to gauge her self-worth.'

MacKenzie nodded. It was a lot to take in, but she knew it was true. For the first time that day, she was grateful she had agreed to come with Will to this session.

Dr. Habib continued. 'We all have conditioned responses – responses we learned as children or young adults. They're so ingrained they feel automatic but with work and awareness, they can be circumvented. Will's conditioned response is to lash out when threatened. Your conditioned response is to validate yourself through your relationships with men. These are things that will have to be unlearned if you and Will are to have a healthy relationship.'

'Is that all?' Will said sarcastically.

'It's not so difficult,' Dr. Habib assured them. 'Recognizing one's proclivities in the first place goes a long way towards making these kinds of changes. Before we end today, I was curious about one more thing. MacKenzie, why now? You've been back in Will's life a year. Why did you try to reconnect with him now?'

'For a couple of reasons,' she said, looking down at her lap. When she looked up again, she spoke to Will. 'Because I love you. And I'd convinced myself you loved me – you were just too pigheaded to show it. And I just – I just really didn't want to waste any more time because who knows how much of it we have left?'

Will tensed beside her. 'Mac, are you all right?'

'I'm fine, Billy - it's just – do you remember my friend Kathleen - the one I mentioned earlier?'

'The annoying one with the high-pitched laugh?'

'Yes.'

'The one who thought I was the guy from 'Full House'?'

Mac burst out laughing. 'That's the one.'

'Yeah, I remember - she has a husband…Robert.'

'Excellent memory, McAvoy. I'm impressed. Actually she _had _a husband named Robert. He died last week in a car accident.'

'Oh, God, Mac. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?'

'No, it's just – she told me they fought a lot, well - bickered a lot. The night before he died they got into an argument over something stupid and the next morning she ignored him when he tried to kiss her goodbye. Later she realized how foolish she was being so she went out and bought all the ingredients for a fancy dinner. She meant to tell him that night how much she loved him, and how sorry she was for their fight, but she never got the chance. And now she never will.'

Her voice broke and he gathered her into his chest as the tears streamed down her face. 'I didn't want that to happen to us, Will,' she cried. She pulled back to look into his eyes. 'I wanted to fix things. I just wanted us to have our happy ending - before it was too late.'

Will inhaled sharply. She was right. Why the fuck had they wasted so much time?


	9. Chapter 9

Will was overcome with gratitude. Yes, she'd forced the issue but in the end she'd brought them back together. The alternative made him shudder. _How many more years would we have lost?_

'I'm glad you decided to break down walls, Mac,' he told her, his voice heavy with emotion. 'I don't know that I would have gotten here otherwise.'

He stroked her hair, tilting her chin up so he could see into her eyes. What he saw there - an expression of such love and longing - left him mesmerized. He leaned down to kiss her softly and she returned the kiss with fervor, fueled with intense relief that they were finally going to be okay. He met her lips with equal force and had just pulled her into his lap when Dr. Habib cleared his throat, reminding them that they were not alone. Will turned three shades of pink and MacKenzie's face was scarlet.

'Sorry – forgot you were here,' Will said sheepishly.

'Evidently,' Dr. Habib smiled.

MacKenzie was mortified. She quickly uncoiled herself from Will's lap, settling herself down beside him. She straightened her shirt, crumpled from Will's fists, as Dr. Habib looked from one to the other. He was more than a little taken aback by the display he'd just witnessed. Although he'd always known Will was in love with MacKenzie (despite Will's protests to the contrary), he'd had no way of gauging the depth of MacKenzie's attachment to Will. Now, observing them together, their passion for one another so clearly on display, he found himself wishing - for Will's sake - that MacKenzie had forced the issue long ago. Clearing his throat, he tried to get the session back on track.

'Will,' he said quietly. 'The news about MacKenzie's friend hit home for you?'

Will rubbed his chin thoughtfully. 'Yes,' he said, taking MacKenzie's hand and gazing at her tenderly. 'I feel like we dodged a bullet.'

MacKenzie nodded and squeezed Will's hand.

'A fair assessment,' Dr. Habib agreed. He looked at his watch and noticed their time was almost up. 'We're almost out of time, but is there anything either of one of you would like to discuss before we stop for today?'

A question that had plagued Will for years bubbled to the surface. Although he wasn't sure he actually wanted to know the answer, he thought maybe if everything was finally out in the open they could move forward.

'I do have one question,' Will said tentatively. 'Look, Mac - we're fine and if you don't want to answer this you don't have to but … I've always wondered, when it came right down to it, what did you say to yourself to make it okay for you to sleep with him? I mean, you must have known I thought we were in an exclusive relationship. How did you justify it to yourself?'

MacKenzie looked at him, knowing her answer to this question had the potential to destroy the hard-won connection they'd forged in the last couple of days.

She plucked at a thread on her sweater and tried to figure out how best to convey her thoughts at the time. They sounded so asinine now, but he was asking her to be honest.

She took a deep breath and squeezed his hand.

'Will, we never had a conversation about being exclusive so when Brian called I told myself I wasn't deceiving you. More than that, I honestly thought it didn't matter because you and I couldn't possibly have a future together.' Will winced but she continued, knowing how important it was to him to understand her thoughts at the time.

'I was absolutely convinced we were living on borrowed time and that you would break up with me as soon as you found out I was a fraud. I can't explain it except to say that even though you and I were dating, every time we were together it was like I was in the relationship all by myself. There was just no room for you. I had this internal dialogue going on that left no room for anything at all – it was just me and my insecurities. Does that make sense?'

Will looked at her soberly and nodded. 'Earlier you said that at some point you finally started to let me in. What changed?'

MacKenzie sighed as she remembered those days. 'I guess that as I got more confident in my work, I realized I was better at it than I'd given myself credit for. It occurred to me that maybe you actually did love me for who I was - maybe I wasn't the colossal fuck up that Brian thought I was after all. That's when I started to let you in and I began to trust your feelings for me.'

'Okay,' Will said, seemingly satisfied. 'I've got one more question.'

'Anything, Billy.'

He looked at her tentatively, embarrassed at his next question, but still, he needed to know the answer. 'When I brought Brian in to write the article…did you think about getting back together with him?'

MacKenzie burst out laughing.

'No_,_' she said. 'If I'd wanted him back I would have said yes when he asked me if I wanted to give our relationship another try.'

'He _said_ that?'

MacKenzie nodded. 'The last day he was here. He said he'd missed me and that he was still in love with me."

Will was furious. And jealous. He'd been a fucking moron to bring that asshole back into MacKenzie's orbit.

'What did you tell him?' he said harshly.

She shrugged. 'I turned him down.'

'Why?'

'Because I was in love with you, you idiot! Even though you and I weren't together I hadn't given up the hope that we'd get there one day. And now we have,' she said, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek.

'What did you tell him exactly?'

'Why do you want to know?' she teased.

'I just do. Humor me. Please?'

She smiled. 'At first I thought he was joking – honestly we spent nearly every minute he was here arguing - so I asked him if he was serious and he said he was. I told him I was in love with you and he got angry and said I was a fool, that you were never going to forgive me. I said maybe that was true but it didn't change the fact that I'm in love with you,' she said, looking into his eyes. 'And that I will be in love with you until the day I die.'

As MacKenzie spoke, she could see the emotions play over Will's face as he listened: fear, anxiety and finally relief. She had both addressed and allayed his deepest fear: she would not betray him again.

Dr. Habib seemed to be mulling something over. He looked at MacKenzie, then at Will. Finally, he spoke.

'Will, before we end for today, would you mind if I had a moment alone with MacKenzie?'

Startled, Will said, 'Sure,' He kissed Mac's cheek gently and brushed his lips against her ear. 'You okay with this?' he whispered.

MacKenzie nodded, even though she wasn't sure about this at all. What did Dr. Habib want to say to her and why did it require Will's absence? As Will headed for the door he turned around on impulse to make sure MacKenzie was okay with this. The expression on her face, as if she were being hunted, quickly propelled him back to her side. He dropped down next to her on the couch and draped one arm protectively around her shoulder.

'You know,' he said, 'If it's all the same to you, and if Mac doesn't mind, I'd like to stay. I don't mind hearing whatever you want to say to her.'

'Are you worried that Will may be upset if he stays?' MacKenzie asked uncertainly.

Dr. Habib looked at them both thoughtfully. 'Not upset so much as uncomfortable.'

''Well, as long as he's okay with it, I'd like him to stay.' She turned to Will. 'I don't want any secrets between us.'

'Okay,' Dr. Habib said. He leaned forward and ran his fingers (nervously, MacKenzie thought) through his hair.

'MacKenzie, I don't know how much you know about abused children but they are a lot less emotionally resilient than those who grow up within a loving family. I say this because Will is emotionally fragile. When he says he won't survive another betrayal, I want you to believe him.'

MacKenzie swallowed hard. 'Go on,' she said, gripping Will's hand tightly.

'It's clear to me that you love Will very much, but what I'd like for you to think about is whether your feelings are strong enough to carry you through the rest of your lives, through the possibility that you may not have children of your own, through the trials of aging. Are you prepared to be the one Will turns to, the one he relies on emotionally for everything? I'm not trying to scare you off. I just want you – both of you - to think about these things before you jump headlong into this.'

MacKenzie exhaled the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. Will's face was ashen but all she felt was relief; she was prepared for these questions because she'd asked them of herself before she'd crawled into his hospital bed. She decided to speak frankly, needing them both to know she was a worthy custodian of Will's heart.

'Billy, I know how fragile you are,' she said, grabbing his hand and staring into his eyes. 'And I wouldn't have gotten into bed with you the other night unless I was absolutely sure of my feelings for you. And I _am_. I love you, Will. No, love isn't strong enough - I _adore_ you. Completely. Unreservedly. With every cell in my body.'

Will smiled and she felt him relax beside her.

'You are my magnetic North and I want you to know that all roads to lead to you. Despite everything we've been through there hasn't been a moment since the day I fell in love with you that I haven't dreamed of spending the rest of my life with you, loving you and being loved by you.' She picked up his hand and kissed it, staring deeply into his eyes. 'And I want you to know that I'll protect that love until the day I die.'

Will reached for her and kissed her gently, leaning his forehead against hers. Then he pulled her into his lap and gathered her into his chest. He couldn't bear to let her go.

#####

Will and MacKenzie returned to his apartment and spent the rest of the day in bed. There they read the paper, napped and made out. They'd just gotten down to business, anxious to finish what Will had started with his tongue, when he heard MacKenzie's stomach rumble. It was late in the afternoon and they'd forgotten to eat lunch so Will placed a quick order to the nearest Chinese place. He spent the next 20 minutes kissing his way down MacKenzie's body and up again, using his teeth to suckle at her throat. His goal was to bring her to a fevered pitch and only then would he give her what she needed. When the doorbell rang announcing the arrival of their food, MacKenzie cursed before tumbling out of bed, throwing on a pair of running shorts and a discarded tank top. Hot and sweaty, she brushed the hair from her forehead and grabbed some cash from her purse before opening the door.

She gulped when she saw Sloan and Don.

'I thought you were the food delivery…' Mac said awkwardly. They looked MacKenzie up and down. It was obvious what she'd been up to.

'Mac,' Will called from the bedroom. 'Come back to bed – we can eat in here.'

Don looked at MacKenzie in amusement as she turned beet red.

'Charlie said Will had been discharged so we just wanted to make sure he was okay,' he said. 'But I see he's in good hands.' Noting the lick of sweat trickling down her neck, he added, 'You might want to turn the air conditioning up.'

Sloan stared at MacKenzie. She'd never seen her look quite so ... messy. At ACN MacKenzie was always immaculately dressed. Even after a broadcast the only visible signs of a long day would be strands of messy hair that had fallen victim to an unforgiving headset. Right now, MacKenzie looked like she'd just finished a 20 mile run but her eyes were alight with a contentment Sloan had never seen before. Oh yes, it was clear what she and Don had interrupted.

Smiling mischievously, Sloan pointed to a large red welt on MacKenzie's neck. 'Is that a hickey?'

'What?' MacKenzie's hand automatically went to her throat. 'Dammit, Will!' she yelled in the direction of the bedroom. 'I _told_ you not to use your teeth!' Then she groaned. How had she forgotten Don and Sloan were still standing there?

'I'm sorry, Mac, but you know I find you irresistible,' Will answered loudly. 'Do I have to come out there and drag you back to bed?' He stumbled out of the bedroom, clad only in boxer shorts and looking every bit as disheveled as MacKenzie. He cursed as he tripped on a towel he'd left in the doorway. He picked it up but stopped in his tracks when he saw who was at the door.

'I didn't know we had company,' he said sheepishly, thankful he'd unthinkingly pulled on some clothing before exiting the bedroom. He was even more thankful that the towel was covering his erection. 'Sloan, Don. Nice to see you.'

'Yeah, well, we didn't mean to interrupt. We just wanted to check on you – glad you're feeling better,' Don said quickly, grabbing Sloan by the elbow and trying to make a hasty retreat. 'See you on Monday.'

'Why don't you stay for dinner?' Will said casually. 'I ordered enough food for ten people.'

Mac looked at Will in surprise as Don and Sloan gaped at each other.

Without waiting for an answer, Will said to Mac, 'Give them the money and they can answer the door when the food comes. Mac and I are going to take a shower,' he announced, grabbing Mac's hand. Mac shoved some money towards Sloan and followed Will down the hall. 'Be right back,' she said cheerfully. 'Make yourselves comfortable!'

When she knew they were out of earshot, MacKenzie sputtered, 'Will, what on earth are you doing?'

'The cat's out of the bag, so we may as well try to control the spin.' He looked at her, suddenly realizing she might have an opinion. 'Do you mind?'

She shook her head. 'No, I guess not.' Truth be told, Mac was a bit relieved. She hadn't been looking forward to the staff's reaction when news of their reunion became public. She knew they would be happy for them, but sometimes the atmosphere in the bullpen bordered on sophomoric. A few well-placed jabs and snickers were sure to follow any congratulations.

Will and MacKenzie took their time in the shower, soaping each other down and kissing. He rinsed her hair, smoothing it back from her forehead as she pressed her breasts against his chest, grinding her hips against him.

'I can't go out there like this, Mac,' he said, placing her hand on his erection.

'Are you suggesting we have sex while Don and Sloan are fifteen feet away?'

'They think that's what we're doing anyway,' he said, kissing her ear.

She smiled and turned her back to him, rubbing her ass against him. He groaned and she bent over, placing her hands on the shower bench under the shower head. She spread her legs and he moved between them, admiring the curve of her back and the glimpse of her swinging breasts as he reached around and flicked her clit. 'Do it, Billy,' she said hoarsely. As the warm water coursed down her back he plunged into her, using one hand to pull her ass flush against him and the other to manipulate her clit. God, how she loved the sensation of his cock pistoning into her. It was only at these moments that she felt utterly complete. She moaned and prayed the sound of the shower would be enough to muffle the sounds of their lovemaking.

Her strangled cries let him know she was close so he flicked her clit and adjusted his angle to give himself better penetration. The new angle and the force of his thrusts sent her over the edge, making her sob with pleasure as she screamed his name into the back of her hand. Hearing her cries was all it took and he used both hands to pull her against him, ramming into her brutally. The white hot heat of his love for her erupted as he bellowed her name in ecstasy, unable to help himself, forcing himself as deeply into her as he could. He shuddered against her, slowly turned her around and pulled her in for a kiss. 'I love you so much, Mac – God, I love you.'

'I love you too, Billy,' she said shakily. Then she laughed. 'Do you think they heard us?'

'I don't know but I don't care,' he said, breathing hard, pressing his forehead against hers. 'Nothing matters but you, Mac,' he murmured. 'The rest of the world can go to hell.'

Weak from their exertions, they stumbled out of the shower to put on fresh clothes and rejoin their guests in the dining room. The food had just arrived so Don was setting the table while Sloan got out the silverware.

Will grabbed some beer from the refrigerator, his hands shaking, and they all sat down to eat. Neither Don nor Sloan made any mention of the noise so Mac and Will assumed their exploits hadn't been overheard. That wasn't exactly true but Don and Sloan had convinced themselves the sounds they'd heard must be coming from the TV in Will's bedroom.

'Were you two watching a porno?' Sloan asked nonchalantly.

Will coughed. 'What?'

Mac caught on first. 'It's an art film,' she said quickly. 'Not a porno but lots of … explicit situations. Will, remember I asked you to put it on pause before we had a shower?' Will looked at her blankly.

'Sorry about that,' Mac said to Sloan.

'No problem but it sounded intense,' Sloan said. 'What's it called?'

'I – uh, can't remember.' Mac said, looking at Will, who was trying not to laugh. She kicked him gently under the table. 'I'll find out and tell you later.'

MacKenzie got the feeling Don wasn't buying what she was trying to sell but he was too polite to say so.

They were all famished, for different reasons, so the next five minutes were spent piling food on plates and shoveling it into their mouths. As his hunger dissipated Will took MacKenzie's hand, bringing it up to rest on the table, his fingers intertwined with hers.

Looking between Don and Sloan, Will acknowledged the elephant in the room. 'As you two have probably guessed, MacKenzie and I are back together.'

'Yeah, we read about it,' Sloan said nonchalantly, spearing a bit of spring roll and dipping it in sauce.

'Where?' he asked.

'Page Six,' she said matter of factly. 'Didn't think you had it in you, big brother – making a public declaration of your love. It was cute. Kinda wish I'd seen it in person but hey, at least I saw the pictures.'

'_Pictures?_' Will said.

'Yeah. They were pretty grainy but those pajamas looked all kinds of good on you. And I liked the fact that you weren't embarrassed to be seen barefoot in public,' she said, waving her fork at him. 'I think that'll go a long way towards softening your image.'

'Is that a good thing?' Will glowered.

'Just trying to be optimistic.'

Will rolled his eyes.

'Well, that saves us from having to tell everyone,' MacKenzie muttered.

'Totally,' Sloan said. 'No need for that – it's all anyone is talking about.' MacKenzie put a steadying hand on Will's thigh. _Don't blow a gasket, _she implored silently but Will was surprisingly nonplused. He didn't care who knew.

All that mattered was that MacKenzie was by his side.


End file.
